Wednesday, May 25, 2011

The flying of time

I can't quite believe its been as long as it has since my last short post. I did have the best of intentions to become a good loyal blogger again, but it didn't quite work out.

Partially that was due to going through a very bad place. I have had to realise that though I am by no means defined by my job, loosing my job the way I did got to me in ways I just did not expect. I ran head first into a lovely bout of depression.

I functioned, got up in the morning, got the kids ready for school, was there when they got back, made dinner, tidied the house, that sort of thing, but I wasn't functional. I hit moments when I could barely control my emotions, would find myself standing in a hall, tears streaming down my face, or realise I just lost an hour looking at a wall, not really thinking or doing anything.

I did get on with some things, kept just enough focus to get the job search going. It got off to a rather good start, but you know what? I really don't think I interviewed very well, despite having a pretty good track record in that regard. I lost out on three seperate jobs.

In all my life, and many many interviews, I think I'd only ever lost out on two jobs before. If I went for a job, I tended to get it. Not this time.

Didn't do much around the house either. I meant to. I wrote a long list of chores and tasks. I just didn't get to them, or if I did, didn't do them very well.

Its not a time that I remember with much fondness, nor pride. I don't think well of myself through those months.

Then things started to turn, though it was a bit topsy turvey. Through a contact of a contact I managed to land some freelance consulting work. A bit below my previous job, but in a way that was good. I've managed to do it with my eyes closed.

Which was a good thing really, as I still wasn't that functional.

The turning point was my wife getting frustrated, as only she can, and shouting at me. It wasn't a pleasant moment. I crumpled, literally as well as figuratively. Just lost it, started sobbing, the works. Another memory I'm not that fond of, for a host of reasons.

I'm not sure my wife was remembering how she felt the previous year when she lost her job. She went though perhaps a darker time than I had. I was terribly worried about her at one stage. She got through it though.

And... though I could have wished for a more sympathetic trigger, so have I. It did the trick, kick started me into remembering who I am, and how, actually, I'm not the guy who crumples and cries, but can be pretty good at getting things done.

So I am now. The contract is good, and has been extended. It pays enough to cover our costs and keep most of my redundancy squirreled away. Which is a good thing. I've got a couple job conversations going, one of which I'm both really keen on, and at the moment they seem keen on me. Another couple weeks to go before that concludes, but I'm hopeful. And if it doesn't work out, there's two more also looking good. Choices are not a bad thing.

I'm doing more about the house, and, for the moment, the wife and I have patched things over Perhaps not well, I still feel a bit sore, as I think does she, but we'll work it out. Somehow.

So, for now, I think I'll take this up again. There are things I need to get off my chest, need to talk about. Some of that dark time was very dark indeed. If you can bear to listen, I'll try not to moan too much. To be honest, my life really isn't that bad, it just took a little shaking up for me to remember that. Plus, there are some good things to talk about too.

Anyone want to see pictures of how our epic 2 year house extention job worked out?


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